Changes

Back to update... haiz...hasn't been feeling too good these 2 days...emotionally bad... dunno y also..maybe it's pms.. it's like i'll wake up...den try to find something to do...even when i go out, i'm also like zombing about... very lifeless..i just feel that something is lacking...but i dunno wad... it's a terrible feeling lah...

Aniwae went out yesterdae, was trying to find vicki... and the funny thing was that we dun even haf an inkling bout her whereabouts or details, and they wanna find her... i thot tht was quite dumb and lame... and i actually didn't want to go wif them yesterdae... but my 2nd sis was making a fuss bout the comp...i knew i had better get out of the house, before another fiery argument breaks out again and i'll haf to pay a heavy price for tht again... i'm tired and i had had enuff. Sometimes i really wonder why i haf to haf such a sister... why can't i just lead a peaceful life... u noe, i was comtemplating before i fell aslp last nite... i guess it wldn't be tht difficult to turn hate into love for someone, but tht really haf to depend on who the person is. I feel that as if i'm only the one always trying to salvage the relationship and she nv bothers bout anything...if tht's the case, den why shd i try so hard and make myself so tired? I dun understand. When i was kinda younger, i kinda hated my mother too... but tht nv lasted.. i love my family so much nw, besides my 2nd sister, tht's y i said i guess it wldn't be tht difficult to turn hate into love, it'll really haf to depend on who the person is. I also can't understand, hw, hw can anyone in this world, always deem themselves as rite, and others always as the wrong parties ? I really pray tht there aren't many of these kinda pple in the world, cos i really understand and sympathise wif pple who haf met such pple. Nvm if she's liddat... the prob is that my parents are just shutting their eyes and foregoing this kinda attitude and behaviour. That's what irks me the most. I've said what i haf to, and i guess they've kinda tried doing something too, but cos of my 2nd sis conditions, my mothers especially urges us to give in to her. I feel that her behaviours is sometimes so ridiculous that it really can't be condone! I really at a lost as to wad i shd do~! Well... i just guess that i shd do the same as my parents.. cos if they as elders, can swallow their pride and bear wif this kinda ill behaviour, i jolly accomodate them and let tht asshole sister of my do wad she likes, be king if she wants to.

I've told a friend of mine bout it... and she told me something which i've alr thought about it...
Mo: "It doesn't matter if ur sister is going crazy and doing all this unacceptable stuff.. wad's most important is that YOU know what you're doing, and that u're doing the right stuff.. tht's all u need to know and all tht u shd do."
Me:"So what if i've done the right stuff? It seems as if nobody cares and nobodys seems to notice, i dun get any rewards and nt even any compliments, so what's the use of it ? Esp for a person like me who's so eager to be noticed! You noe hw terrible it feels"
Mo: "Pple will naturally notice when u're really done the right thing, and even if they don't, what matter most is that u've alr set ur own consicous right, and when u do think bad, u're the one that will feel good, sure it's no easy task to attain, but when thinkin back, u're the one who's at an advantage."

After thinking thru wad she said, it really does makes sense, i dun haf to specially go out of my way to do anything... i guess all i haf to do is to avoid her as much as i possibly cld, and when she's being ridiculous or demanding, i'll jus give in to her, maybe at the end of the day, she'll be the 1 feeling remorseful and ashamed of her own doings, and i... maybe feeling bullied and push ard and irritated and pissed off, will or might prob feel proud at the end of the day. Hah, it all makes sense. My mouth may be damn foul when someone 'pulled off the trigger', therefore i shd really just try to keep my mouth shut at tense times or when someone obvious spark off something... haha, and i'm really trying very hard too.

I kept thinking, after changing all these -tve pts of mine, will i still be the same Jiabao as i used to be ? I like the Jiabao i am nw, i dun like changing myself into someone like i've mentioned... i hated the jiabao long before, but after 'revamping', i liked it... i always thot tht such behaviours tht i've mentioned just nw seemed kinda weak and i really hate it, why do i always haf to be pushed ard, be bullied, always haf to give in and always loose? Doesn't that just seems like a big sore loser ? But think bout it, hw much courage needs to be gathered to be able to do all these esp if it's for someone like me ? Ha, something just struck me, this behaviour will only be carried out at home, afterall, like my mother said, we're a family, the outcome doesn't matter. It's quite true, everyone has to make sacrifices and compromise to keep a family going, to keep it happy, since someone so inconsider and insensible like my 2nd sister can't compromise to all these, and since i'm so in need of some peace at a place i call my HOME, i'll just haf to do that. That seems at least more acceptable to me =)

Ahh... i feel better nw tht everything has been released and sorted out =) So i hope it works. Yep, enuff of all these burdens.. haha. Went out todae, was at orchard area again. Hung out wif my eldest sis and her friends todae. Was at coffee club... we order a cheesy mushroom pie and boy it was good~! Heee... but apparently da jie didn't thot so...it was kinda too cheesy n she gt sick very soon.We slacked and talked rubbish there and also viewed the taiwan pics that they took. After slacking at coffee club, we went to another place to slack again -.-' Haha... suang gu da jie said she nv went in NYDC at outside heeren before and so we proceeded there to cont slacking.. she order an elephanchino drink called love potion and it was so big and milky it made her wanna puke... till nw,her stomache still feels kinda uneasy. After slacking, we went for dinner, the whole that was meaningless and unpurposeful.. haha..we went to crystal jade for dinner and i thot dinner was great... ;) Went home after dinner cos it was kinda late alr...

Think i shd be busy for the nxt few days or so... mo actually asked me to go see vicki again tomolo, but i really dun want to haf to do all those silly and stupid waiting again esp if we haf NO INKLING as to where she'll be and wad time she'll arrive all these shit... so yeah... i'm just gonna stay at home tomolo, it'll be peaceful at home tomolo so i dun mind! Haha, just my father and I... heh... den wed will be hanging out wif bro cecilia, den thurs going back to SP and after tht hanging out wif Yanhan, den fri will either be working, doing admin or getting a new comp =D I hope i'll be able to get my new comp.. i'm anticipating like shit~!. Haha... So yep.. guess tht's all for nw~!